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Friday, April 25, 2008

My 100th Post, or Why I Think Keanu Reeves is the Worst.Actor.Ever.

I feel somewhat like I am wasting my 100th post. This is a blog about Bulgaria and travels, right? This is also a blog where I discuss newlywedish things. And I wanted to do something fun for the 100th, but I just can't bring myself to. Why? Because people need to know about the horrible, horrible, terribly Keanu Reeves movie we watched last night.

The evening started out all right. Nathan made salsa. I was knitting. We watched Drive Me Crazy. I had forgotten how much I loved this movie. Perfect.Teen.Movie.

Example of witty teen movie dialogue:

Boy: I didn't expect you to fall in love.
Girl: I didn't expect you to fall into the Gap.
Things went quickly downhill when we put Johnny Mnemonic into BabyMac for our supposed viewing pleasure. This movie was so horrible that it was funny. Laugh out loud funny. I think it can be best described like this:
Some high schoolers wanted to make a movie. They had a budget of $500, the TheatreUNCA design department to make their sets and no sense of editing or restriction. Brainstorming was never pared down for these brave young filmmakers--this movie had it all. We pictured them sitting at their kitchen table saying:
Old Hong Kong style Kung Fu movies! Oh! Oh! And the wet-wired brain guy has to fall in love with his bodyguard! Oh! And subtitles, man! Someone will speak Japanese with subtitles! We gotta have Ice-T, man! And exploding dumpsters! And rants against technology!

And they did have it all. The sets were some sort of a mash-up of welding and West Side Story. I kid you not that TheatreUNCA designed them. I'm sure the designer used too many disconnected images to describe his vision, as all designers too. "We're going to mash the love of West Side Story with desperate welding and combine that with the soft harshness of trash on city streets." I hate the way designers (and this includes sets, lighting, clothing, costumes, some performance artists) talk about their work. Just let it be. Anyway.

There was a talking head projected on television screens. There was a mechanical dolphin. There was a murderous priest using blatant religious imagery over and over again ad nauseum. Keanu Reeves wore this ridiculous get-up:

And, truly, Ice-T was the BEST actor in the movie. Except for maybe that dolphin.

3 comments:

LAA said...

Ice-T is always the best actor in his movies...don't dis my man. Love you!

Anonymous said...

This post is going to make John's day like you cannot even begin to understand. He will probably begin to weep with mirth and yell "Yes! YES!" right there at his desk.

love, the Princess

Anonymous said...

Well,you happened to pick one of his worst movies of his career. That movie was shiteous and I'm a huge Keanu Reeves fan. That movie,Johnny Mneumonic is actually an adaptation of the very popular science fiction novel written by Gibson; who also wrote Neuromancer.
You should watch "The Devil's Advocate", "The Gift", "The Matrix","Constantine", "Speed", "Something's Gotta Give"--those are actually pretty good.
I remember as a fan watching Johnny Mneumonic and thinking. "This is the shiteous movie I've ever seen!"--then I found out that it was a very famous science fiction and thought, "Wow, that fiction did not translate well to screen."
A terrible script makes the actors look way worse than they are.
Always will be a fan of Keanu though, even though he's not the best out there, he's still imo underrated.